I read a heartfelt plea this morning from a woman on a site who was feeling really down, she wrote :
“Feeling really low today. Had a massive argument with my eldest daughter last night over something really stupid. It was here turn to empty the dishwasher and she was sitting at the table doing her homework. She kept saying “I’ll do it in a minute”, and this minute went on for an hour and a half. In the end I lost my temper and said fine I’ll do it myself then. She then stormed off upstairs muttering under her breath, and at this exact point the younger two starting arguing over something trivial. Well I really lost it. I shouted, screamed, I was so angry with all of them. They don’t have much to do around the house. They take it in turns to empty the dishwasher and make their beds in the morning and that’s it. I remember having so much to do as a child to help my mum and I never resented it. One or other is always arguing, nobody wants to help and everything is such an effort. To be honest I feel totally taken for granted. Even though my youngest has just started flexi-schooling and I do have 3 days each week without the children I fill it by cooking everything from scratch, baking, cleaning and making sure that they have a warm, lovely home at the end of each day. Hubby and I rarely get any time on our own and I feel resentful and restless with life. I am starting to question my role as a full time mum, especially as my eldest said some pretty hurtful things last night. To be fair, I was so angry that I said some dreadful things too. Feeling like a really rubbish mum at the moment.
Obviously this morning the younger two have been a bit despondent, but the eldest hasn’t even acknowledged me apart from to say she has a play rehersal after school so won’t be finished until 5pm.
Sorry for the ramble, but just feel totally fed up today.
Hope everyone else is having a better day”
It made me register on the site and reply to her! Because it’s a case of yet another Mum who thinks that she is there to be a personal slave to her kids and I DON’T AGREE!!
I replied “I just registered in order to reply to your message here … I wanted to send you a great big cyber-hug as I REALLY relate to feeling taken for granted by children and I only have one! Also recognising a woman who needs some down time ….
I wholeheartedly believe it is our job as mothers to create children who will become independent, capable, functioning adults in the world. That means they pull their weight! Your children sound incredibly lucky in that they’re getting away with the bare minimum of household helping and that you do 98% of everything for everyone!
My suggestion is that you STOP and take a gentle look at what they are learning about life from your example, and I really do say this with a LOT of love and understanding as I have done it too.
I suggest that a child, watching an exhausted, overstretched, underappreciated woman tearing herself in half trying to be “perfect” so everyone has the cozy home experience is teaching their child that “I don’t count”, “my needs are unimportant”, “my despair that no-one helps me will never be heard”, “my standards are hard for even me to reach” …. and that young women grow up to believe that when they are mothers, it will be the same for them, and young men grow up thinking that’s what women do….
Perhaps it’s time for a family sit down, and a working out of a weekly rota? So that everyone gets a job each day, and everyone (including Mum) have a day off all jobs. This rota can be the idea of the children if the meeting is carefully steered – ie by it starting out with Mum’s exhausted, this is what she’s done this week – how many of those things do YOU think she did just for her? As it dawns on your children that all you ever do is aimed at pleasing them, they will see how selfish their own thoughts are, and then may feel inspired to do jobs : There are plenty of household jobs you can rotate each week :
- Lay the table, loads and empty the dishwasher,
- Hoover the downstairs,
- Hoover the upstairs,
- Clean the bathrooms,
- Mop the kitchen floor,
- Deal with pets,
- Hoover out the inside of the car,
- Wash the car,
- Dust,
- Empty the bins,
- Gather the dirty washing together
My son who is 9 always deals with the table and the cat, and the other jobs he does from time to time. No pocket money is involved as I will not pay children to be a part of the family. Half an hour a day for each child to do chores is NO BIG DEAL!
It sounds as though you need some YOU TIME. By having this support, grumpily at first though it may be, you will be creating better young adults, and then that gives you time for the candle-lit bath you deserve.
Good luck!”
What do you think about creating the adults of tomorrow? Isn’t it better that jobs take a little longer but that the children DO them so that they learn? Yes, they need down time, but SO DO WE!
Amanda, I feel the poor souls plight too!
Far too much time on being the mum that her mum probably was, rather than the mum that is needed.
No one ever said on their death bed “I wish mum had unloaded the dishwasher more”
We have become obsessive about the homemaking part of being a parent, when all kids want is good quality time!
I have been that woman too Sarah … when my world on the inside has been in such deep chaos that the only way I can feel half calm is by trying to overcontrol my outer world. Spending time on the computer to avoid being a mother etc etc ….
I think the most important thing I am learning is that it’s ok to be good enough, and that actually by trying to be all things to our kids, we deny them the chasm they must cross themselves between identifying what their needs are, and realising they often have the power to meet those needs themselves ….