Archive for July, 2009

This past week on retreat in the Alpujarras mountains has been an extraordinary blend of constipation, the runs, and hysterical laughter plastering me to the floor together with me surprisingly skinny dipping under the stars (note to self : drink a LOT less alcohol ….) ….

On the retreat, held at Cortijo Romero, I met women from all walks of life – from the entirely barking mad (“you know your love of rosé wine is clearly due to the positioning of Leo in your Starchart – I could do your numbers for you just to help establish this if you like?”); to a young, very sweet Belgian woman who distinctly resembled a blonde meerkat and was determined to have lesbian sex with me before I left (she failed I hasten to add), to a young lady that was apparently so rich that while numbers were never mentioned, you got the clear feeling she could afford to air condition Hell.

Before cabin fever entirely set in, thankfully the course finished, and I left with the adorable Penny, aka Louise. I gave myself the title of Thelma as I had the car.

We had an absolutely stunning galumph through the underskirts of Andalucia thanks to my Citroen Berlingo and an empty diary for a few days. On the back of The Jabberwocky, we did our very best to whiffle through miles and miles of gimbling mountainsides, however it was rather brought down to earth due to our leaving a steaming trail of urine in our wake in an ongoingly unsuccessful but desperate attempt to rehydrate after an exceptionally drunken and raucous last night of inmateshire where apparently I performed my Cossack dance … oh dear.

Honestly the scenery was absolutely stunning – the only thing that surpassed it’s extraordinary-ness was Penny’s fantastic inability to take a moving photograph without capturing the sensual curves of the crash barriers. Her skill is truly remarkable and like no other I have ever seen.

After taking literally dozens of these confusing shots we finally settled on lunch in a rather gorgeous and very Spanish chiringuito where we ate sardines, swordfish and scrummy alioli with fresh ciabatta bread before noodling down to the corner of the beach to have a light siesta. After trying to sleep a little, Penny felt brave enough (or more to the point her bladder was once again rotundly insisting on relief) so she demurely struggled into her bathers and leapt like a 3 legged spider across the scorching sand hurling herself into the sea creating a nuclear mushroom-type cloud of steam as she cooled.

While she tried to look like a mermaid while fighting her way through the most powerful sideways currents, I had a bit of a treat in the form of a youngish man who decided to settle in front of me for a little sun bathing, and proceeded to change from jeans and boxers into his bathers. It was all rather hilarious watching him attempting to make a towel glue itself to his torso while he sought to wriggle out of his jeans, and of course at the absolutely crucial moment it all went horribly right when his mischevious towel fell to the floor giving me …. well, frankly, …. pudding!

It was hard to top that, so we decided to head back towards Casa La Celada (that’s my gorgeous B&B down here in Spain). And instead of going the fast way, we decided to head up cross country through ever more stunning scenery with ever more crash barriers photographed – the most memorable being the crash barrier that perfectly obscured Viñuela Lake about 40 minutes away from home!

When we finally arrived we were accosted by a small demonic and extremely affectionate ball of siamese fur who far from giving us the cold shoulder was positively about as affectionate as I ever remember her being, cannoning off us, trying to trip us up and inviting upside down cuddles while meowing constantly every single second …!


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