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Archive for November, 2009

THAT was what I wanted to scream at the filthy old goat of a pervert I had to “do business with” last week ….

Bleuch – I want to scrub myself with BLEACH he was so gross!

…….

A few days ago, I spoke to a friend of mine who’s inlaws have a large allotment and grow all sorts of stuff, including pumpkins … which of course, throwing a huge Halloween Party, we needed.

I asked Maria if there was any chance of buying some for our party on Friday (yes, I have fantastic photos, but this is DEFINITELY not the blog for posting those on) – and she told me to pop down to the huerta (allotment – pronounced “oo-ER-ta”) and see if one of the family were there to help me find some suitable beasties for carving.

Oh God …

The Beasties were not of the pumpkin variety, but of the filthy dirty old man variety.

I’d only just got out of the car to the usual tuneless symphony of a thousand dogs barking for Britain when said creature from the black lagoon came out from the gloam and quite literally looked me up and down licking his lips.

To put it in perspective, he had an alcoholic nose ….

Trousers held up with bailing twine ….

And the standard three natural teeth ….

To say he was a little dirty would be the understatement of the century.

He stood infront of me and scratched himself in the way only men do, then grabbed hold of me. I shrieked in pain as his grip on my arm was positively vice-like.

He made me feel SICK …

I explained I was Maria’s friend and that we were having a party and she’d suggested I came to collect some Pumpkins.

I then hissed at Zack, who was with me (THANK GOD) dressed in his Kung Fu kit, that I wanted him to stay right beside me so that this grotesquely vile human being didn’t touch me again. I felt really stuck because I didn’t want lies getting back to Maria that I’d been rude or whatever, but I really wanted to push him physically away as he kept trying to grab hold of me.

Thankfully Zack then glued himself to me, and we chose 6 pumpkins (3 large, 3 medium for those of you dying to know), and I thought I’d got away with any further untoward groping when at the last minute Zack got in the car leaving me to shut the doors.

He lunged at me asking for kisses!

I managed to peck him on one cheek then pull right away and say “No, I’m sorry, I don’t like this” and jump in the car. I heard him asking the puff of smoke where I had been standing if I was still single ….

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” I cried ……

I’d sooner marry Count Dracula ….

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